Top 5 places in London that are utter shitholes

I know, here we go, another top 5 list of must see places in London! And like the rest, I’m trying to seem cool, in the know and edgy by not including Big Ben neither. Didn’t see that coming did you? Difference with this article and those conjured by low-rate click bait article sites is a) I’m speaking from actual knowledge and experience and b) I’m not selling article space for money. You know the sites I’m talking about, Londonist, Vice and the plethora of other start ups that permeate social media like the hollow caricatures they are. I mean, they have their purpose, but if you want to see the so called ‘real, non-gentrified’ face of London, what better place to look than a blog site with an opinionated arsehole cabbie as it’s proud custodian?

I’m not including restaurants, bars, clubs, or any of that clap-trap. That’s what search engines are for, and the London Eye? If you’re reading this, you can fuck right off chap. Didn’t like you when you was the biggest ferris wheel in the world, but you’re not even the biggest in Europe (I blame brexit personally), so serve as much purpose to the city as a skirting board does to the foundations of a house. No one cares.

No… What I’m going to do is isolate streets and particular areas that for me, show the real, unpolished side of London still. A London that will soon be lost to the whirlwind force of the global markets, like coral reefs being bleached of colour and life. A London that shows a glimpse to our past, a nod to our history, and the old industries that once dominated it, and a London that largely goes forgotten and unseen. Until it can be redeveloped, upscaled and marketed to gullible yuppies with more money than sense that is! Ha, yuppies... that’s a word you don’t hear anymore. I’m bringing it back, which I suppose is a form of gentrification in itself really… See? There’s no escaping it. We’re all fucked…

Right, enough mindless and slightly bitter yammering, time to get down to brass tacks.

1. Roupell Street

It’s a small residential road just off of stamford street and lined either side with compact brick housing surrounded at every angle by high line, glass encased, weirdly shaped monuments to private equity and wealth. It’s where a lot of films and shows such as the Midwife and the latest bio-pic about the Kray’s was filmed, and well worth a gander as this street holds more character than any new build could possibly muster.

   2. Poplar High Street

You can’t talk about the real london without mentioning Poplar, which for the most part has warded off the cereal cafes and lycra outfitters of dalston and the like. It’s a great throw back to east end culture, with greasy spoon cafes and churches originally built for sailors and ship builders to frequent. At the east end of the high street sits possibly one of the most ugly concrete tower blocks you can ever imagine. It’s 60’s dystopian architecture on the piss, laying on the ground when it should be erect. Witnessing this before it’s demolished is worth the trip alone.

 3. Three colts lane, Bethnal Green

Here we have a series of railway arches filled by car garages and taxi rental firms. Oil stained cobbles and graffitied lined archways, populated by working class grafters from all walks of life. It’s in these nooks and crannies where the real, day to day mechanistic function of the city transpires. From the Cambridge heath road end, the disease of gentrification is slowly sweeping through, turning railway arches into avante garde sandwich bars and spoon carving shops (yes, such a thing exists). Within 20 years, most garages will be forced out to the outskirts, where the rent is cheap and the people scummy, but for now this little slice of unspoiled urban deluge is still here. (If you’re ever down brick lane, near the top is Cheshire street, head all the way down that and that takes you to three colts lanes). Oh, and as an extra note, I once saw a rastafarian and a do-as-you-likee have a full blown-dust up in a garage down here, so you can probably see why I hold this area in such high regard. Couldn’t understand a word either of them said, but it was entertaining all the same, like Snatch but without the subtitles.

 4. Pages Walk (where Stompy the tank resides)

Okay, this area is on the cusp of being gentrified but not quite there yet. It’s where old warehouses, scrap yards and storage mills use to lay, and it still holds a certain charm. There’s a few traditional pubs around too, but the gem in the crown is good ol’ stompy the tank himself. He sit’s at the very end of the road, the guardian of pages walk, being placed by a disgruntled landowner in a vendetta against the local council who had refused him permission to build a house on the site. Circumstances may have changed as the whole area around old kent road is set to be carpet bombed by private hedge fund investment anytime soon, but for now, this is still the place Stompy calls home.

 5. Thameside Industrial Estate

One of the last remaining refuge for our industrial past, this area sits right opposite city airport. As economics changed and ships grew too big for the narrow river to handle, most shipping and industry was moved a few miles east towards Tilbury in Essex. But there are still momentous that remain, such as the sugar mill and various other abandoned warehouses predominantly used for TV’s and film. I mean, don’t plan to spend your day here, but if you’re ever in the area, a drive around the back end of the airport is always pretty interesting, especially around dawn or dusk.  

And so there we have it, your go to guide for central based shit holes. May come across as a little bitter when commenting on the rate of change happening across the city, but it’s not the case. London has always been a huge, shape shifting beast that swallows entire towns and devours entire cultures whole, all for it’s own devious gain. I embrace it, but there’s no harm in sharing a few unsung and hidden pleasures, even if not the most aesthetically pleasing because they won’t be around forever, trust me on that.  

Be lucky folks ;D

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